Living For Today - no time to waste
How a rare medical condition gave me the opportunity to do what I love.
I have been very lucky. I had a wake-up call. Initially diagnosed in 2000 as having a brain tumour after having a seizure, I spent a week trying to come to terms with how there were still so many things I had wanted to do and how little time I would have to spend with my family and doing what I wanted to do, instead of what I had to do or what I needed to do. I had lived to work instead of working to live. I couldn’t believe my own stupidity - my own father, who all his life longed to just paint and be the artist he always wanted to be when he retired, had died 3 years previously after only 2 years of finally living his dream. I was making the very same mistake.
Fortunately, an angiogram showed it was not a tumour but an AVM (Arterio Venous Malformation) - a rare condition where arteries connect directly to veins instead of through tiny capillary vessels, giving high risk of a stroke or brain haemorrhage. It didn’t sound like the ideal thing to have in your brain so I underwent extensive stereo-tactile radio therapy treatment - known as the Gamma Knife - which although ultimately successful, has subsequently left me with an Acquired Brain Injury due to permanent scarring of brain tissue in my right temporal lobe so it has affected memory, logic, concentration, emotion and an inability to cope with stress.
The neuro consultant explained that if I had had the same problem in my leg, I would be on crutches for sometime afterwards and that I would always walk with a limp but because it had been in my brain, nobody would see the crutches and no-one would notice the limp. He was right. After you appear to have made an otherwise full recovery, people tend to forget and expect more from you because they assume you are completely recovered - they get irritated when you forget things and don’t understand why you over-react or get over emotional or angry about seemingly small things or cannot concentrate for any length of time.
Re-learning Skills
The biggest issue I had to come to terms with was how my memory had been affected. After always having a somewhat photographic memory, being able to recall details, numbers etc with apparent ease, suddenly I was confronted with a situation I had never experienced before. I just simply forgot. I had to start writing things down and setting reminders and initially found it very difficult.
I found I had forgotten almost everything I knew about photography and so had to pretty much start all over again. The problem was compounded when I discovered that now I quickly forget whatever I have just learned or read. This is very frustrating but that and the need for peace, quiet and no stress, coupled with my love of nature and wildlife led me to visit nature reserves and seek out subjects on which to practice and re-learn, which in itself forced me to slow down and gradually I started to make progress. I still forget things but my memory has improved due in part, I believe, to the mental exercises I keep setting myself and having a very disciplined and organised way of working. I have since learned that the brain is capable of re-wiring itself and that if one side gets damaged, the other will try to learn those skills - I am convinced that by keep trying to train myself to remember things that this is having an effect. I now believe that it is not so much that I forget things but that I have difficulty recalling that information as I find a mental trigger is often all I need to be able to recall past events or conversations.
I am perfectly happy now out with my camera, taking my time, stalking my subjects slowly, taking care not to cause them any stress or alarm or just sitting, watching and waiting for events to happen. Those who know me find this all quite amusing as I have never been renowned for my patience but being out in the open air in all weather, amongst animals and birds in fields, on beaches, up hills and in the woods is such a wonderfully rewarding experience and I feel so lucky and privileged to still be able to enjoy them due to getting a second chance. I get such great pleasure in capturing those moments - my abstract moments.
